So this is the story of Chicken Monkey Shoes. If you can’t read through stories longer than a normal blog entry, I advise you to stop reading now. This will take you a while to read.
Chapter 1: The horny cow
Once upon a time (yes that clichéd beginning), when humor in every form was encouraged, when animals were the main characters in every play, and discrimination was the norm, be it racial or sexist, there lived, in the country of Australia, a horny cow. Now, we pick up the story of this cow, whom we shall call Moo, and follow her as she happens to be the protagonist of the story.
So the cow, who had a daughter, was going to the market one day to buy fruits and vegetables when all of a sudden, she runs into a horny bull. Now, it is common knowledge what happens when two horny creatures meet. Soon enough the cow had two daughters. So, now it had to go to the market to buy milk as well (Only the younger cow needed milk). But sadly, there was no milk as Obama, who had recently become the President of Australia had banned all things white. The cow was frustrated. It decided that the only way to feed its children was to enter politics and overthrow Obama. But then it realized that it had no educational background and money (We all know we need money to enter politics). Therefore the cow swam to India, joined the prestigious Institutes of Indian Technology (IIT) and joined the 4 year Aerospace program.
4 years later, the cow realized the mistake it made. Everyone knows that people who get into Aerospace don’t get a job and consequently money. So, the dumb cow now flew back (it did Aerospace after all!) to Australia to meet the horny bull for some money. Sadly, the bull wasn’t to be found and it came to know from some sources that the bull had gone to Singapore to try and replace the Merlion and become the face of Singapore. So the cow now flew to Singapore to find him.
Chapter 2: The dodo
Thoroughly exhausted after combing through the city for a whole week, the cow finally gave up. It was then that the cow met a dodo. The cow poured its heart out to the dodo and hoped that he would help her in some way. The dodo, as if he hadn’t her, started off: “I am Ronal-dodo” “And as you can make out, I am a dodo” it continued. “But what you don’t know is that I am a gay dodo” (Well the cow watched football so it figured out that maybe it was named after the star who had topped the Gay icon list). The dodo then told the cow that it would help her only if she would listen to a story. So the cow obliged.
Nest 1: Chicken Monkey Shoes
(Narrated by the dodo)
There was this one time when I was trekking in Sweden. It was really dark and I could hardly see where I was going when all of a sudden, there was this huge rustling noise ahead of me in the trees. I was scared to death. I could see two flashlights staring at me from the tree. Suddenly the flashlights jumped down from the tree, which was when I realized what I was looking at. Well, actually I couldn’t make head or tail out of it, but atleast I knew that this weird creature used torches. It had a ponytail, a beak and it had a banana for a hand. It was so heavily armoured that not even the irresistible force (of the irresistible force, immovable object paradox fame) could have caused any harm to it. To top it all, it was wearing what seemed like a Dhoti
—-“I was in India to visit my cousins, the Surds”, said the dodo to the cow who was surprised that the dodo knew an Indian term—-
Now naturally, I was scared shitless when this menacing thing jumped down and glared at me. As I stood there saying my last prayers, hoping that this gladiator would finish me off painlessly, he suddenly came up to me and said “I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today!” Well, I then tried to explain to him that I wasn’t selling hamburgers out there, but he wouldn’t have any of it. So then we trekked back together to get him a hamburger and along the way, I got to know more of this strange creature. He called himself Chicken Monkey Shoes
—-At this point the cow says “Whaaaat??” and the dodo replies that when Shoes had introduced itself thus, the dodo had also said “Whaaaat??”—-
Now firstly I was surprised that that thing could actually speak, but when I heard the name, I was actually cursing my wife who had begged me to destroy her neighbour’s ring in the depths of Mount Kaboom as she was jealous of the ring. What the hell had I gotten myself into?? But then again, Shoes did not seem too interested in me, so I prodded him further and asked him about his history and how he came about. So he started his story.
Nest 2: The Shoe
(Narrated by Chicken Monkey Shoes)
There was once a shoe floating in the Amazon. A shoe that could breathe, a shoe that could listen, a shoe that could do anything a normal person would be able to do.
—-“Of course, whether it would still need a shoe to wear to office and stuff…. Well that’s something to ponder about”, says Shoes to the Dodo—-
Now this shoe was floating on thinking about how it came into existence when it suddenly encountered a huge school of fish. To its horror and dismay, it realized that those were not just fish. Those were the kings of the Amazon, the master predators themselves, the mighty and ferocious….
—-“Dude just tell me what they were”, said the Dodo to Shoes at this point and this was also told by the Cow to the dodo in the original story—-
. All right, those were the legendary piranhas of the Amazon.
—-At this point the cow goes nuts as one of its cousins had once been thrown to the piranhas to impress a visiting President, who was also a relation to Obama—-
So anyway, the shoe quickly found itself a hiding place and waited for the piranhas to pass. But surprisingly, the piranhas were not looking for food. If anything, they were running away from something. All of them were trembling with fear, and this piqued the curiosity of the shoe. It crept closer to hear the conversation of the piranhas so it could determine what exactly had gotten the piranhas so panicky. This is what it heard.
Nest 3: The Mad Scientist
(Narrated by Grandfather piranha to baby piranhas warning them about the danger in their lives and how the danger came to walk the face of this earth)
A wolf howled at the full-moon one night in the month of July. Somebody tossed a shoe at it and it kept quiet.
In his hilltop laboratory, Dr Nafets Retzlab was sick with worry concerning his “experiment”. His quest to create the ultimate being had come to a dead stop…. because the weather broadcast on TV was wrong. There was not even a single drop of rain that night, leave alone thunder and lightning. And his assistant, a monkey, named Evil, was not much of a help, because he did nothing but sit on the sofa and drink beer all day long.
The wolf started howling again. Two more shoes flew past its head, but it did not stop howling. It was an irritating, high-pitched sound, almost annoying to the ears of any primate. Evil was a
primate, and he was starting to get annoyed.
” If only I could get an alternate power source to power my chickenator™”, Nafets thought aloud, “I could win the Nobel peace prize, the Nobel prize for chemistry and possibly even the best joke analyzer of the year award!! But how do I go about it?” One would have labeled Nafets stupid had he not invented the greatest machine which everyone had heard of by now… the chickenator™. The chickenator™ was a device which transformed a chicken into a being which would understand why a joke was a joke and dissect and analyze the joke as a biologist would a cockroach. The doctor had planned to take the chicken and his monkey along with him so that whenever someone cracked a joke, the chicken would immediately tell him why it was funny, and if it wasn’t very funny, then the monkey (drunk as usual) would go on to shoot the one who cracked the “joke”.
More importantly, if he could make a good number of chickens, the whole humor industry would go KABOOM
—-“Why Grandpa??” asked a baby piranha at this point to which Grandpa replied “Look dear, would you still be laughing as hard if I explained the reason a joke is a joke to you??? Or if I told you, that there is an element of surprise, something unexpected, so LAUGHHHHHH, would you???? WOULD YOU??? ” and looked at her so menacingly that she shut up—-
Nafets was pacing the laboratory floor, pondering intensely when the solution hit him. “Of course!!!!” he exclaimed with joy.
Evil eyed the window with irritation. Dead drunk, with a painful old song stuck in his head and with potential weapons (a bowl of petunias, a leather shoe and sweat) in his paws, this monkey was dangerous. Its drunken monkey brain was unable to bear the strain any longer. Monkey sweat started pouring down its monkey forehead. I like saying the word monkey.
In a swift motion, the monkey lunged at the window, not realizing that it was open. Unleashing its monkey fury at nothing but air, it fell, and while falling, it screamed a monkey scream till its monkey chest started aching. Evil, still screaming, desperately tried to grab the windowsill but in vain, for the sweat in his palms did not let him get a firm grip. Then, in a sudden act of monkey wisdom, he caught the bottom of the windowsill with his tail, and held on for dear life, the bowl of petunias still purposelessly held in his hand, still desperately screaming his heart out. But Nafets did not seem to hear him. Evil then threw the leather shoe he had been saving for annoying canines at Nafets in a final act of monkey desperation.
Nafets, meanwhile, did not hear nor see any of this. His eyes were fixed on the electrical plug in his hand and the socket on the wall before him, and his brain was thinking hard, bent on finding a solution to the problem at hand. “EUREKA!” he shouted, “I HAVE FOUND THE ANSWER!” Saying so, he quickly put the plug into the socket in a flash of brilliance. His joy was short-lived, however, for the very next moment, a leather shoe came out of nowhere and knocked him face first into the very machine which he was working on. He did not even have the time to consider what was happening to him, before the transformation started. He screamed a primal scream, more painful than the monkey’s wail, more annoying than the wolf’s howl. Before he knew it, it was over. The transformation was complete.
The shoe on the other hand had rebounded in true Bollywood film style and went and hit the wolf and killed it. This shoe then disappeared mysteriously. Evil could relax now. Or at least that’s what he thought, when the whole place exploded and he was blasted off into space.
A new creature was born that night in the middle of July, something so utterly horrifying, so mind-bendingly meaningless, so damn weird that no other name could be given to it other than…. Frankenzkafka!! This was a creature which found anything and everything funny and that too had a reason for finding any particular piece funny. It also has a penchant for writing something random and then proving that it is funny. So much so that, it would destroy the whole world, write a book and find it funny aaaaand come up with a reason for it which would be perfectly justifiable. This is why it is so dangerous. This is why it should be destroyed.
–“Grandpa, how do you know all this??” asked a baby piranha. “I was Nafets’ pet. I got blasted out that very day and because of the effects of the explosion, I think I am the only one who can finish Frankenzkafka. This is why all of you must migrate North somewhere where you would be safe. I will finish off what Nafets started that day, for the sake of this world” said the old Piranha and swam off into the distance–
Nest 2: The Shoe
(Narrated by Chicken Monkey Shoes)
Now the shoe was elated. It knew how it was born. It was so happy that it started doing a jig right there. Meanwhile, the piranhas had sensed danger. They had sensed the mad joke machine coming their way. As the Grandfather quickly moved all the kids into a safe position, the other piranhas prepared for the final battle. A battle that would stop time. A battle that would scar the face of this earth. A battle that would be remembered for generations to come. A battle that would…
—-“Dude seriously, stop it!! Just tell me what happened” said the Dodo to Shoes at this point and this was also told by the Cow to the dodo in the original story—-
The shoe was now heading towards a waterfall oblivious to the fact that Frankenzkafka the Joke monster was nearby. It was so happy that it did not see all the piranhas jump at the Joke monster with the Grandfather right in the thick of things. All it cared about was its history and now it knew. It knew that it belonged to Nafets and was the shoe which had killed the wolf. Somehow the energy from the explosion had affected it and now, it could think, breathe and swim. It also knew that this meant it was on the Joke Monster’s side. But what it did not realize was that the Joke Monster was being killed right behind it. All of a sudden, in a blur, the piranhas passed the shoe, and took Frankenzkafka over the edge. The shoe was too late and it jumped along to save its master. But it was too late. Frankenzkafka had been savaged by the fish and was almost dead. As the piranhas swam away with their heads held high successful in their attempt to save the world, the shoe slowly crept up to the now disfigured Frankenzkafka and tried to wake him up. In true filmi style, it also said “NOOOOOOoooooooo………” while falling down the waterfall. But then Kafka suddenly opened his eyes and touched the shoe. A blinding white light flashed out of the shoe and suddenly, there was an egg on the shore. The shoe had sacrificed all its energy to try and save Kafka, but that energy was not enough. Kafka and the shoe died. But they had left behind their legacy. A creature that would follow in their footsteps. A creature that would slowly become one of the most powerful beings on the planet. A creature that would…
—-“Ok, now I’ve had it. You either end your story now or I won’t give you money for your hamburger.” Said the dodo, fully pissed off now at Shoes—-
I was born.
Nest 1: Chicken Monkey Shoes
(Narrated by the dodo to the cow)
I was stunned by this story of Chicken Monkey Shoes and gave him more than enough cash for 10 hamburgers and bolted from the place. Rest assured, my wife gave me an earful for not destroying the ring.
Chapter 2: The dodo
Now the cow was obviously pissed as the dodo had wasted so much of its precious time telling some random story about the random creature. All that the cow wanted was money. When it threatened to kill the dodo for wasting its time, the dodo immediately replied that there was a reason that it had told the cow the story.
Nest 2.1: Obama v Bush:
(A monologue by the dodo to the cow)
The reason you are standing here today is because you have no money. The reason you need money is because you need to get into politics. The reason you need to get into politics is because Obama, the President, banned milk and you had to feed your daughters, who by the way died 4 years ago a few days after you left for your education. (A gasp from the cow. But a warning hand from the dodo shuts her up) Do you even know the reason why Obama got elected President? It was Obama versus Bush for the Presidential elections that year. And for all the democratic setup they boast about, there is no such thing as democracy. There is only one person who decides who becomes President. Only one creature has the right to appoint someone the President. Ultimately, it is Chicken Monkey Shoes who decides everything. He is the Supreme Ruler of the World. And I know this because of our chance encounter in Sweden. We became pen pals after that. He is the reason you lost your kids. He is the reason you are standing on the road here in Singapore and are so disillusioned with life. He is the one you must really target if you want justice. He is the one who can also help you unlike no one else. It is Chicken Monkey Shoes!!!!!! AAAaaaRRrrrGGggggHHhhhh!!!!!
Chapter 3: Obama vs Oba-Moo
Having said the monologue with extreme emotion, the dodo then collapsed and promptly died. The cow now knew what to do. It had to go to Australia and convince Shoes that it was the better leader. So, off it went. And the dodos went from endangered to extinct.
Slowly, over the next year, the cow gathered a decent enough support among other cows and whites. It slowly came into the radar of Obama who now knew who his next challenger would be. A female huh, he thought to himself. Well, I have the perfect solution to that, he thought to himself again. Let’s see who wins this time around, he thought to himself for a third time.
So the stage was set. It was Obama versus Oba-Moo for the post of President of Australia. As they reached deadline day (the day they would meet Shoes), both candidates got exceedingly nervous (the cow because it had heard the dodo’s descriptions of Shoes and Obama because the last time he had been with Shoes, Shoes had made him sing Linkin Park’s Numb in a very obscene way. This will not be described in this story as it distracts us from the main story itself. The song which Obama sang can be given later if needed).
Finally, on the day of the meeting, both the cow and Obama went to Shoes’ secret hideaway in the country. Inside Uluru, otherwise known as Ayers rock, bang in the center of Australia they went. After numerous tunnels and forks they finally came on to a door. After some difficulty, they finally got into the main chamber (they had to tell the door jokes to get in) and sat waiting for the entrance of Shoes.
Soon enough, it entered. As they marveled at his complex structure and yet simple attire (the dhoti), all the nervousness left them and they were now ready. It was time.
Shoes first asked Obama to come forward and show that he was worthy enough to lead the country. Obama in turn offered to bring the sexy Tasmanian Governor to defend his case as he felt that there should be some equality and the cow fight a female rather than him. And as he introduced Para Saline, who was dressed up in her best dress, he couldn’t help but notice that the cow looked hot. So now Shoes turned its attention to Saline and questioned her on various issues facing the country.
Shoes: Hello, Mrs Saline, before we begin, just for the record I would like to ask you. What do you do for a living?
Saline: I am a hockey mom.
Shoes: What exactly does that mean Ma’am?
Saline: I am a hockey mom.
Shoes: Er… Ok… Let’s move on. So what have you done as the Governor of Tasmania?
Saline: I am a hockey mom.
—10 questions later, with a visibly irritated Shoes, and a smiling Saline—
Shoes: What is your take on abortion of eggs, Ma’am? And please… NO HOCKEY MOM!!
Saline: I am a hockey mom.
That was it. Shoes lost his temper and killed both Obama and Saline on the spot (Obama for wasting his time and Saline for well.. Saline for being amazingly dumb). It was only after ripping them apart that it realized that this meant the cow was unanimously the winner.
Oba-Moo had triumphed! It was a day of celebration for all cows and whites across the country. But is this how it ends?
Chapter 4: Shoes meets its match (and I don’t mean another shoe)
So now our cow’s little miss Oba-Moo now. The ultimate ruler of Australia (Sounds cool, I know). It’s common knowledge that people in power usually use their newly acquired perks to live their dreams – do things that they’ve always wanted to, go places they’ve always wanted to go, and most importantly, get back at people they’ve always wanted to get back at. This is exactly what our cow had in mind. Chicken Monkey Shoes was in for a nasty surprise, and no one knew about it. Apart from little miss Moo. Sorry, Oba-Moo.
Not much good comes of a hybrid combination of mad scientist/chicken/monkey/ writer/shoe. Until, well, Chicken Monkey Shoes. Not good, but definitely not bad. You can’t be bad when you pack Obama back to his momma. But you aren’t exactly good either. Especially since you were the one who put Obama where he used to be. Irony, indeed.
Chicken Monkey Shoes wasn’t invincible though. Being the being in control of pretty much everything doesn’t mean “everything” can’t mess you up. Very similar to the God – Heavy stone paradox, being the offspring of a supposedly awesome writer means that you have some inherent defects. Genetic or non-genetic, it doesn’t really matter. Defects nevertheless. What were Shoes’ defects? The urge to analyze everything. See things that are hardly there. Reason out a mindless splatter of random mush. Sense the purpose of being, and being in being. The very roots of creation and perception and understanding. Severe OCD. I have to understand, I have to understand, I have to understand. I hope you feel what I’m trying to convey, I’m sure you do. Our clever Mrs. Oba-Moo knew this, all thanks to that Wikipedia entry about Chicken Monkey Shoes. Google is beautiful, and Wikipedia is the beacon of truth. Miss Moo spent a couple of nights poring over her resources, trying to spot something that lacked an iota of reason.
That was it! Iota! i! Imaginary… that brought back Moo’s memories of a movie called “Proof” which had Gwyneth Paltrow, and a band consisting of Math majors. In particular, a song called “i” (performed by the math band, of course). 3 minutes of silence… They called it an imaginary song. That it was. How do you reason out a song that isn’t a song. You wait eagerly, wait for the music to start and flood your system with vibrant rhythms, bouncy melodies and instrumentals. If you were listening to “i”, none of this happens. As a music critique, this is the worst possible thing that can happen to you. This would be Chicken Monkey Shoes undoing. One letter song with the title “i” and I will make sure you die, thought Oba-Moo, as she lifted a copy of the song from DC++ before the Australia LAN cut (which was something she’d implemented in an effort to make the country go green. Colors. Damn colors. White to Black to Green. Will this ever end?). Now Moo was ready to moo’ it around!
The plan worked. Chicken Monkey Shoes exploded in one big final kaboom. Just goes to show what happens when you try to see the rhythm in a non-existent song. Too much of something doesn’t help. Look what happened to Chicken Monkey Shoes. Too much thinking. Boom!
And so Mrs. Moo took her revenge. Sweet revenge. May the soul of her mini-moo daughters rest in peace. Amen.
Oh and before I forget, this story has evidently turned and tapered its way around the very obstacles of logical reasoning and straight thinking, but has a happy ending (at least for the cow). So yeah, in typical fairytale fashion, everyone lived happily ever after (The go-green movement wasn’t as drastic as Obama’s no-milk thing. No one died, and it worked. The planet lived happily ever after too!).